Will Ferrell is an American Treasure. The only people who don't like Will Ferrell are the ones who haven't sat down to give him a chance. My wife, as an example, had never seen Talladega Nights. She thought it was stupid show with a stupid plot and a stupid cast of characters.
But when the Cougar got in the car, she cried laughing.
Ferrell's characters are the best part of Ferrell. They are over the top. They are hilarious. And they are seemingly endless. Today, we are going to let his 10 best characters teach us some lessons about BYU football as we move to the offseason. Because, like any good movie character, our lives should be modeled after theirs.
We had to leave a lot of good characters off the. Chazz from Wedding Crashers, sorry, you didn't make it. Lord Business from The Lego Movie? Just missed the cut. Cam Brady from The Campaign? Maybe next election cycle.
These are the 10 we ranked and they bring important lessons with them.
10. Frank the Tank - Old School
"I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Dammit."
The incredible efforts that Frank the Tank made for Marissa, eh? He deleted the voicemail and re-recorded, but this was one of the most awkward date requests in the world. A whole meal of food?
The longer BYU goes without an extension for Kalani - or at least without putting a stop to other schools courting him like they have been recently - the more awkward his recruiting pitches sound. We are one week away from the Early Signing Period and there are rumors abound that Kalani is flirting with Oregon.
During an interview on BYU SportsNation, BYU athletics director Tom Holmoe said that they are working on something for Kalani. But nothing has been announced and nothing is official. And the longer nothing is the news, the most 'whole meal of food-ish' BYU's recruiting pitch sounds down the stretch. Something has to get done. For Marissa.
"Thank you for forcing me to eat them."
A serious role for Ferrell was one of the best, most underrated movies that he ever made. This scene of Harold Crick eating a cookie after a crappy day is one of the best scenes in the movie that you don't matters at all in the moment. This movie, if you haven't seen it, is a must-watch.
Do you kind of feel like like Ana in this scene? BYU fans have been clamoring - begging - for an extension to be doled out to Kalani. We are literally doing anything to try and get through to Tom Holmoe or to the University or to the Church Headquarters or to anyone else who needs to listen to try and get this extension business wrapped up.
But fans can't be Ana. It has to be Tom Holmoe. It's time for Tom to go to whoever it is that he needs to go to - the University, the BotT in Salt Lake, whoever - and force them to eat the cookies and get this Kalani extension done. They will be glad they did, just like Harold was.
"Gator don't play no shit - you feel me? Gator never been about that! Gator never been about playing no shit!"
The Other Guys is the best Ferrell movie ever made and I won't any arguments to the contrary. Ferrell was so good, that he had two iconic characters in this one. Gator - who was NOT a pimp but actually was, is the first character we will highlight today.
The former pimp turned do-good cop was growing increasingly frustrated as bureaucrats kept getting in the way of what he knew was a serious crime. As the red tape piled up, Allen Gamble's inner-Gator surfaced and he eventually forced his way into his captain's office and demanded his gat so he could solve the crime.
Well, BYU. Kalani don't play no shit! You feel me? Kalani never been about that! Kalani never been about playing no shit!
Give them man what he wants and let's get on with our lives!
"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
I mean, everyone loves Zoolander. EVERYONE. It's a classic! And Mugatu's freak out about Derek Zoolander only having one look is the ultimate climax in this movie. Blue Steel? He has one look!
Allow me to speak for the collective body of BYU fans here and say that I feel like we're all taking crazy pills.
Do you realize who the head coach candidates are at BYU if Kalan is gone?
Jay Hill, Robert Anae, Bronco Mendenall, Morgan Scalley, Fesi Sitake...
Great coaches, but come on! Kalani is THE ONE GUY you want leading this team into the Big 12. Why TF are we playing around here?! I feel like we're all taking crazy pills! Get this done!
"You know, little buddy, there is a yin for every yang. If there is bad, good will rise up against it. It's taken a long time for me to find my calling. Now, it's time you found yours."
This is MetroMan speaking to Megamind here. At this point in this incredibly underrated film for kids that is hilarious for adults, MegaMind still thinks he's a villain. He's still the bad guy, trying to save the city by recruiting the superhero to save the city, so that he can get back to being the bad guy.
But the truth is that Megamind IS a good guy. He can save the city by himself.
What does this have to do with BYU? Admittedly, not much. I just had to include Megamind on this list because it's an incredible show.
But to all of you recruits who signed with not-BYU schools, come home. Like Megamind did.
(Look I know this was a stretch, alright. Go watch Megamind.)
"I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!"
It's Christmas season. Go watch Elf. Buddy is the best and James Caan is a hero. And when Buddy realizes he is in love, he doesn't care who knows it or what meetings he interrupts. He wants to tell everyone.
WELL WE'RE IN LOVE WITH KALANI AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO KNOWS IT! WE'RE IN LOVE, WE'RE IN LOVE, WE'RE IN LOOOOVE!
"I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. I'm just a big, hairy American winnin' machine"
Just solid words to live by here. Guy Holliday used to tell you to get your piss hot, I'm telling you that BYU fans just need to piss excellence.
The Cougars are going to play UAB next week in a pretty crappy bowl game. But, if we don't have that Ricky Bobby mentality, the Blazers could win this one. So no matter who the opponent is, just remember, BYU is a big, hairy American winnin' machine.
"You keep your liver spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint!
This scene is NSFW, but it's everything that I want to say to Phil Knight and Oregon as they poke around and court Kalani. Just get out of here, Phil.
"Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring... We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope."
Look, BYU fans and BYU's football program is overlooked. People think 'oh, little old BYU could be a great feeder program for someone else.' GTFOH with that! BYU is a powerhouse. Are they Alabama? No. They're not. But can they be Oregon? Absolutely they can.
So, just like Terry Hoitz wasn't expecting Allen to destroy lions with a bunch of tuna, BYU fans need to be ready to pounce on anyone who comes in. BYU can be tuna! We're stronger than you think!
Did that go how you thought it would, everyone?
"I don't know how to put this, but.... I'm kind of a big deal."
Kalani to Tom.
Just get this done, guys.
And go watch more Will Ferrell shows.