The 2028 GEHB Presidential Platform
Give ‘Em Hell, Brigham is meant to be an apolitical publication. While we occasionally get onto rants about current events of the world, we strive to avoid talking about things political in nature because there’s enough of that all around us and most of us are wanting a break from it all where we can just kick back, relax, and be weirded out by Jeff’s wife’s obsession with making him look like Andy Reid.
That said, there are some egregious policy errors in our society today and we are going to stake our claim and put our official platform into writing in preparation for a Hansen/McClintock ticket in 2028 under the banner of the Give ‘Em Hell Party.
Note: The featured image on this article is not in support of Kanye 2020 - it is just a hilarious picture and his campaign was about a serious as this one.
(Garrett is an infant and so we can't actually run until 2028)
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Opening Day should be a national holiday
While there has been some fading in recent years and football has definitely supplanted baseball as the most popular sport in the land, baseball is still “America’s Pastime” and maybe our problems as a society would go away if we all cared more about hating the Astros for being cheaters more than hating those who vote differently than we do.
Our calendar is filled with random holidays that give no real benefit: who needs a whole day for Presidents in February? They get their name in every history textbook ever. That’s enough devotion. Columbus has a holiday and he didn’t even land in what is now the United States, it was the Bahamas and Leif Erikson landed in Newfoundland almost 500 years before that. It’s time that we refocus ourselves as a nation and give people a holiday from work to do what we Americans do best: sit on our couch watching TV and yelling at the officials.
Statistics needs to replace calculus in high school
The number of times in your adult life that you will ever need to find a derivative is most likely zero. However, you will get bombarded with random numbers and statistics every day in news articles, and more importantly, in people trying to sound smart talking about sports. Our children need to know the all important skill of being able to tell what numbers can’t possibly be true and how to figure out what is what and call people out for twisting reality.
We make risk assessments every day from the minute we wake up in the morning and in everything we do - there’s always a trade off and some risk involved. You could choke on that piece of tri-tip. Your gas grill could malfunction and explode. You could get so excited to slice the meat you cut your finger and need stitches. But being able to understand these numbers in their proper context is vital to living an enjoyable life and not being a Karen.
More importantly, sports data is on the rise and people are tweeting numbers like their life depended on it. Our children need to be armed with the knowledge to defend their fanhood and at a minimum understand how it’s possible that SP+ predicts their team to go 7.4 - 4.6 on the year. High school math should revolve around personal finances and sports analytics. Everything else is inconsequential.
BBQ should be a competitive team sport starting in little league
We recently became aware of a national high school BBQ circuit. We had to fight and struggle and watch hours of YouTube and go through trial and error in our 20s and beyond to master the art of the craft but we could really progress as a nation if we rallied around making this a sport.
Little Grillers should be part of every baseball league wherein you cook your own hot dog after your t-ball game. You can move up to a burger when you get to pitching machine. By the time kids are in high school they should be taught the science of combustion, the maillard effect, and every other way to nerd out about food through fire management and the creation of perfectly crafted BBQ. This can all be ancillary to every other sport: you’re already hanging out in the parking lot at those long weekend tournaments anyway - create more competition and give out a real award. No participation trophies allowed, you get to eat your food thanks for trying.
Gambling should be legal in all 50 states
Now, we are not ones to go against states and home rule, so this one would be a nudge, not a policy push. But let’s get the bookies going all across the land and start letting the chips fall where they may. Sure, a few degenerates may lose their home, but think of the benefits:
- Those who tail the GEHB picks every week would make money
- We could potentially reduce income tax by shifting to a use tax on gambling activity
- We could easily deposit money into our books instead of having to use Bitcoin on offshore sites (c’mon guys, can you at least accept a crypto with lower fees?) or driving to Nevada.
- We can hedge our happiness by betting moneyline against BYU every week: that way, if BYU loses, you still win!
End the war on drugs and begin the war on Diet Coke
Seriously, how do people drink that stuff? It’s disgusting and by far the worst tasting diet soda available for purchase in the known universe. How it became the preferred beverage of choice by millions is both an embarrassment and evidence that we have strayed from God’s light in our lives. Stop jailing people for victimless crimes - the proliferation of Diet Coke is the serious threat in our midst.