4 min read

I've Got a Tommy Boy Problem

I've Got a Tommy Boy Problem
Photo by Edson Saldaña / Unsplash

Here's the thing - my wife would probably tell you that I'm only mildly funny, at best. While I've got the dad jokes and puns down pat, most of the other witty one-liners are actually movie or TV quotes.

I also discovered last week that she had never seen Tommy Boy (gross oversight on my part, but it's okay - we watched Blazing Saddles on our third or fourth date to clear up any potential entertainment questions). So we watched it - and I think I screwed up big time.

Now she knows that my funniest repertoire of comments are really just quotes from 90s SNL cast member movies (Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Wayne's World, Coneheads, Night at the Roxbury, etc).

With that on the table, these are the most reusable quotes from the pride of Sandusky, Ohio - and, I promise, this ties back to BYU football.

Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!

When you haven't seen somebody in a long time, this is the perfect intro to the reunion. The flexibility here is great because if somebody understands the reference, they'll finish it. If they don't, then they're just flattered you elevated them from friend to family. Win, win.

Lots of people go to school for 7 years / [Their] brain has a thick candy shell

Applicable when dicussing anybody that might be described as a "failure to launch".

I can hear [myself] getting fatter

Richard says this to Tommy, but I think most of our readers have probably thought this about themselves after at least 4 meals in their lifetime.

That's gonna leave a mark

This might be said elsewhere in other shows, but this one is pretty pervasive to any time somebody gettings the crap knocked out of them in any sporting event.

Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?

This is a family website, so I will refrain from finishing this. Go watch the movie.

Quit playing with your dingy

I have an 18 month year old boy whose diapers I change multiple times a day.

I will probably be saying this for the next 17 years.

Okay Here's the real quote I'm getting at

There are a lot of quotes from the movie or scenes best acted out (fat guy in a liiiiiittle coat), but there's also some great sales advice that Tommy stole from his dad (after all, big Tom could sell a ketchup popsicle to a women in white gloves) and he wasn't really able to start selling until he was able to deliver said things the way his dad did. The landmark phrase comes on the news when talking to Zalinsky, the auto parts king:

I could get a good look at a t-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Maybe this is a bit of a stretch, but it's February and we're getting deep into off-season mode. We wrote previously about how stars DO matter and sometimes recruiting football players feel a lot like shopping for beef.

There's definitely measurables that a rancher will look for in judging livestock and what they think will make a good dairy cow vs a prime steak. But those measurables of height, weight, age are not enough - ultimately you can't judge the quality of the meat until you get it in for the butcher to start processing it. But if it has a good pedigree and comes from a well known farm, etc you know your chances of finding the porterhouse of your dreams is a lot higher.

If it's less than an ideal quality it will really help to dry age it. Everything gets better by aging it a bit, but if it's a choice cut that's just okay, you can really amp it up. So how does this relate to recruiting?

5 stars are Wagyu, 4 stars are Prime, 3 stars Choice and 2 stars Select.

Wagyu will almost always be great (seriously, outside of QBs, there are rarely any true busts that are 5 stars unless they have off field issues. They may not be All-Americans, but they will do good things for your program).

Prime will rarely disappoint, and you'll generally be happy with the product.

Choice is hit or miss. Middle of the road, but can be disappointing.

Select, unless you see something mislabeled with tons of marbling, you shouldn't waste your money on it.

I was surprised by the number of people that took issue with what we wrote about Coach Hadley's comments, but the net of the conversations on social media was that people are happy with the offensive recruiting efforts and greatly disappointed in the amount of Select grade beef we are buying by the case load.

Now aging - if you take that Select or Choice grade, age it for a bit to improve the flavor and make it more tender, you can get a product that will punch above it's weight class. But that takes time. And hockey-style subs putting true freshman and walk ons on that field when you would describe as a "developmental player" is not aging the beef. If you want to commit to development - at least don't throw them to the wolves until they have had some time to get ready to play or at least limit the rotations to one position group at a time so you still have 85% of your starting defense on the field instead of an FCS squad.

So yeah, if we played our cards right, maybe the all development approach could make a few good meals.

But I'd rather take the butcher (247 Sports) word for it.