4 min read

Rakoto's Official List of Christmas Things To Buy

You're all waiting for football news and I get it. I am also waiting for football news. News is coming, I can assure you of that. But at this point in time, that's about the only thing that I can assure you of.

While you're waiting for the football news to drop, why not get some Christmas shopping done? And Santa Rakoto is here to fill your stockings and your lives with all of the dopest things that you should pick up this year that you didn't know you needed. This, my friends, is your official Christmas List.

Impress your significant other with a sappy Lovebox

After a long football season, you better find your significant other something lovey-dovey that proves you are ready to be an actual partner for the next 9 months until football season is back. I present to you, the Lovebox.

This little box looks like a lame little box with a heart sticker on the front. But, when you send a message via the Lovebox app, the heart spins until the box is opened. You send cute messages to your partner through an app, the heart spins, they know that you are thinking about them, and you just bought yourself an extra Saturday next year.

It's a box, I get it. But think of it as a ticket to the the Saturday of Big 12 football in September. That makes this box pretty awesome.

It organizes your bags and it's actually awesome

Sticking with our theme of boxes, this is another box that you probably think is stupid on the surface but actually is life changing. When my wife purchased this box a few months ago, I rolled my eyes. I'm used to just sticking a bunch of bag boxes in a drawer and it's fine. This box felt like pointless organization.

Well, folks, I was wrong. The box changes the game. Get this box, impress your partner with the fact that you're thinking about ways to make your house cleaner and more organized, and become an official convert to organizing your bags.

Time to change gears a little bit and starting thinking next level

So far we've talked about a pair of items that are really for your partner. This little book is sure to make your partner laugh. Here is how you pull this off:

Buy this book.

When it comes, hide it from everyone.

On Christmas Eve, stick it under the tree without anyone seeing you - not Santa, not your kids, not your spouse. Nobody.

On Christmas morning, open it up, act surprised, and then tell your significant other how much you appreciate them thinking about you.

"Honey, thank you! I haven't known who I can talk to about this but I'm glad you've recognized by struggles. I had no idea you were this connected to the things I have to go through every day. Thank you so much. Seriously, this means a lot.

Boom. Laughs.

I am a man who has a hot wife. I am a man who is very, very not hot. How did this happen? Humor. So get your humor on and order this book.

Make couches great again

You know what I miss? Couches from the 90s. Remember how great couches in the 90s were? They were all big and comfortable. The primary duty of a couch was to make you feel comfortable and it was glorious.

Somewhere over the last two decades, couches were overtaken by designers and skinny people. Things are designed to look good first now. Comfort is like priority #596 in the couch world.

This won't make your couch more comfortable, but it does steal back some of the utility of a couch. Build yourself a little table on your arm rest or on the cushion next to you. It's your own little corner of when couches were great again.

No words are needed here... you know why you need this

Enough said.

If you have mice or if you've ever had a mouse or if you're even moderately worried that you might have a mouse...

We built our house last year. I have a field of cows directly behind me. I have an undeveloped to my left and to my right. Mice are just part of living where I live. When my wife saw the first mouse run through the garage, we had to have a quick mouse hunt. We sat out your standard traps and came out the next day.

The mice had mocked us.

All the peanut butter was gone. Two of the traps had gone off. One mouse was too slow and got caught, but it just felt like we were outmanned in this mouse battle.

Instead of rushing to buy a cat, I bought one of this little things. Load up one end with peanut butter, turn on the switch, and the next morning, it had a mouse.

Now, this little mouse zapper has killed 26 mice in the last few months. I just dump out the mouse body and reset the trap. No cleanup. No mess. And no mice.

And not to mention that you feel like a bad ass when you're zapping mice. Feels like a weird Christmas present, yes, but think of it like you're gifting a mouse free garage.

This little grate inside the cookie sheet changes the game. No more crusty burned stuff on the bottom because you had to cook for a while in order to get the top cooked. You can roast veggies easier. You can roast chickens without donating half the bird to a greasy mess.

You need these.

An absolute game changer

This pretty much explains itself. No more transferring noodles from pan to colander back to pan. Just clip this bad boy on and dump it into the sink like you've always tried to do but never really pulled off well.

I have no idea how but these actually work

The science has been explained to me but I just have no idea how it works. But these really do work. If you wanted to have a campfire right in the heart of your living room, you could probably do it with this guy. I wouldn't recommend it, but you could.

You can definitely pull it off on your back patio without smoke and without a mess.

Make your steak nights feel like a fine dining experience

Nothing says high end more than pulling knives out of a damn wooden box. These are great.

Keep those Mountain Dews cold!

Diet Coke. Mountain Dew. Coors. Whatever it takes.