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The hypochondria of being a BYU fan

The hypochondria of being a BYU fan

Allow me to get real for a moment: I'm a hypochondriac.

No, I've never officially been diagnosed, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am. I am acutely aware of every prick, poke, pain, and pimple that happens on the inside or the outside of my body. My brain assumes that I'm sick whenever I feel anything.

I've talked a lot about mental health and my road with anxiety in the past, but the root cause behind all of that is simply defined as hypochondria. Every headache is an aneurysm. Every back ache is kidney failure. Every bad beefy five-layer burrito is an ulcer. Every time I'm short of breath is the first sign of a heart attack.

It's dumb. It's irrational. It's annoying. But it's who I am and who I have always been. I'm almost always convinced that I am on the precipice of complete and total shutdown. There are some days that take an extraordinary amount of energy just to convince myself that I can make it through the day and wake up tomorrow morning without a sudden eye bleed or a ruptured appendix.

My ongoing battle with this ailment has equipped me to recognize the signs of hypochondria in others.

Folks, let me professionally diagnose a very wide swath of us today: BYU fans are hypochondriacs.

Allow me to speak in terms of 'we' because I'm right here in this foxhole with each of you. We're not sick, but we're determined to diagnose our sicknesses. We're not broken, but we refuse to allow ourselves to believe that we're healthy. This is our plight. This is sports hypochondria.

Let's dig a little bit deeper. In order to do so, I will be quoting from comments that I've received on various platforms in the last two days since BYU beat Kansas State and popped onto the national radar a little bit.

"The offense couldn't move the ball when they had to drive down the field. Glad they were able to capitalize on the great field position the defense gave them. Regardless of our win over K-State, there are still glaring issues on offense, and we can't count on the defense to bail them out time and time again or for consistent defensive and special teams scoring. Unless they tighten a lot up on offense, it's only a matter of time before the wheels pop off of this team."

Winning brings new standards and new ways to judge a team - that's certainly not lost on me. We are going to judge 4-0 BYU differently at the end of September than we judged 0-0 BYU at the beginning of August. But humor me for a minute... let's go back in time.

At the beginning of August, was there a single world where anyone felt comfortable predicting a 4-0 start for BYU? Was there any scenario in any of our minds that we would have felt the need to pick at the scabs that came as a result of four straight wins to open the season?

This is hypochondria, friends. BYU is not sick - in fact, they're less sick than they have been in any season since 2012. But we're determined to find a reason that BYU is sick.

The hypochondriac says 'we can't count on the defense to bail them out time and time again' but I say unto you, why not?

If the defense is the strength of the team, why can't the defense be counted on time and time again? If the defense is the strength of the team and is carrying BYU to win, isn't that still winning?

Isn't that a good thing?

"I'm still not sold on the offense. As much as I loved short-field possessions, I need to see some sustained drives."
"Retslap is awesome when the D scores, special teams scores, and he only has to make 10-yard drives. He is amazing."

My favorite stat is available yards. For those unfamiliar with the term, available yards gained is a percentage of the yards an offense gained over the yards that an offense could have gained in that game. For example, if a drive starts at the 25-yard line, the offense could gain 75 yards on that drive. If the drive stalls at the opponent's 25-yard line, then the offense gained 50 yards, or 66% of their available yards.

Against Kansas State, BYU's offense gained 49.5% of their available yards.

Oregon was the top available yards earner in 2023, finishing the season having gained 72.6% of available yards on offense. SMU was 10th in the country at 64.4%. UTSA was 46th in the country at 49.6%. BYU was 123rd at 34.6%.

BYU's 49.5% against one of the best defenses in the country is nothing to scoff at. It's a very good offensive performance, even if it's not elite.

We're punishing the offense because they capitalized on short fields? That's the offense's... fault?

The Cougars had a total of one (1) three-and-out against K-State. It was the opening drive of the game that featured two dropped balls from wide receivers.

Their second drive? A 10-play drive that gained 50% of the available yards. It started on the BYU 18-yard line and stalled out at the K-State 41. That enabled Sam Vander Haar to flip the field with a punt that was downed on the K-State five-yard line. If the defense gets credit for setting up short fields, does the offense get credit for setting up long fields?

The third drive? A 13-play drive where BYU gained 83% of their yards. It resulted in a field goal after Retzlaff was sacked in the red zone. The sack was a bummer and Retzlaff had plenty of time to throw the ball away, but he didn't. BYU settled for three points.

After that, BYU's offense only had five total drives in the game. Three came in plus-territory. One started when the game was out of hand and BYU was coasting to a win. The only long field that BYU had was when they were up 31-9 and bleeding clock - run play, run play, incomplete pass, complete pass, punt.

Beginning with their second drive of the game, the BYU offense was moving the ball pretty effectively. Throughout the game, the only thing that took the offense off the field was the goal line and the sounds of George Q. Cannon. Why are we blaming the offense for doing exactly what they should do with short fields?

"I've seen too many seasons where BYU routs a good team at home, and everyone gets high hopes, and they go on the road and get exposed. The season is only four games in. Great that we are 4-0. That game on Saturday night was really fun. But it didn't move the needle for me one bit. K-State is a very good team, but they choked."

I went to the hospital a few months back with kidney stones. While at the ER, I had bloodwork done, all my vitals checked, and a CT scan. A weekish later, I went back to the doctor and they performed an EKG as part of some other testing. In the span of about 11 days, I had all those tests confirm that nothing was wrong. But that didn't stop me from turning to my wife to say, "What if my kidney stones were signs of kidney failure?"

Even though I knew I wasn't sick, and even though doctors ran a whole bunch of tests to prove that I wasn't sick, I was still pretty confident that I actually was sick. This is hypochondria.

"Great that we are 4-0" is the bloodwork. "That game Saturday night was very fun" is the CT scan. "K-State is a very good team" is the EKG.

"But it didn't move the needle for me... they choked" is the hypochondriac.

Again, expectations are a funny thing. The goal for the season was a bowl game. Many people didn't believe that goal would be achieved. 1/3 into the season BYU is 2/3 of the way to their goal. That's a good thing!

BYU has two P4 wins... over two pretty darn good P4 teams! SMU boat raced TCU on Saturday. K-State is one of the top dogs in the conference. BYU was a Vegas underdog in both games and won both games. That's a good thing!

Retzlaff cost BYU close games last year. He hasn't cost BYU anything this year. He has progressed. He's thrown for nearly 1000 yards and has four turnovers in four games. If you could have told any of us - LITERALLY ANY OF US - that Retzlaff would account for 1093 total yards, 9 touchdowns, and 4 turnovers through four games of the season, everyone would have said you were insane. It wasn't possible. There was no way it could happen. That's 273 total yards per game, 2.25 TDs per game, and 1 turnover per game. Every single one of us would have pounced on a game line like that. If Retzlaff's current averages hold up the rest of the year, he'd finish the season with 3,279 total yards, 27 total touchdowns, and 12 turnovers. That's a good thing!

When I left the hospital, I knew I had a clean bill of health. When I read the EKG results, I knew I was stable and healthy. Does that prevent me from getting cancer in the future? Of course not. I can still get sick down the road.

But was it irrational to assume kidney failure not 6 hours after meeting with the doctors and going over results? Yeah... it was.

BYU is 4-0. Retzlaff is playing well. The defense is playing REALLY well. Those things can change in the weeks to come, but the vitals and testing look really positive right now.

"It doesn't move the needle one bit for me."

Your needle was set to 4-0, 273/2/1?!

"I don't think BYU is as good as everyone is saying. All the stars were in alignment in that Kansas State game. Parker got lucky on that punt return. The outcome was spectacular, but that was pure luck, and many of those have ended badly for BYU.... Retzlaff is just an average QB that sometimes makes a great pass and more often makes terrible passes. He had a few in the K-State game. The BYU defense is the only reason BYU is 4-0. They are 4-0 despite Retzlaff. G-Bo is the better QB. His biggest flaw is eligibility."

BYU got lucky to get an onside kick and a blocked punt and pull in a Hail Mary in the Miracle Bowl. BYU got lucky to play a mediocre Michigan team in 1984. BYU was lucky that Miami didn't capitalize on 5 offensive turnovers in 1990. BYU got lucky that Kevin Lockett's foot was on the line in the back of the endzone against Kansas State in the 1997 Cotton Bowl. BYU got lucky when John Beck found Jonny Harling in the endzone after a broken play in 2006. BYU got lucky when Mitch Mathews came down with Tanner Mangum's Hail Mary throw against Nebraska in 2015.

If we are going to use luck to discredit big moments, let's discredit all the big moments.

Luck is part of football. It always has been and it always will be. You can't count on luck to always be on your side, for sure.

As for the G-Bo comments... maybe he is better than Retzlaff! If he's better than a 4-0 record, 155 QBR, and 273/2/1, then BYU has an ELITE backup.

"I'm done with ARod. Loved the defensive performance and the offense's ability to capitalize in short-field situations but I still have 0 confidence in BYU's ability to put a sustained drive together. I understand that there are a lot of fans like Jeff that somehow think this could be an all-time great team but until I have reasonable confidence in the offense, I'm not getting my hopes up."

An all-time great team? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this is a bowl-eligible team. I believed 6-6 would be the record at the beginning of the year. Through four games, I believe that has inched forward and BYU is a 7-5 or maybe 8-4 team this year. If that's the definition of an all-time great team, then I suppose Jeff somehow thinks this could be an all-time great team.

Let's allow ourselves to dream a little bit and look into the rest of the season a little bit...

ESPN's FPI has BYU favored in five of the eight remaining games. That would put BYU at 9-3, if that plays out. That's a pretty darn good season for BYU football.

That's not 'fans like Jeff' putting BYU on the playoff periphery, that's a national writer.

That's not 'fans like Jeff' putting BYU IN the actual playoff, that's a national writer.

Look, I don't think these things are going to happen either. As stated, I've moved from a 6-6 expectation to a 7-5 expectation. But I'm not so sick that I can't see the path to BYU being even better than that.

Contrary to the hypochondriac belief of the BYU internet, BYU can win games with defense and those wins do, in fact, still count in the win column. BYU doesn't have to have an elite quarterback or a 50-PPG offense to win games.

It's okay to be optimistic and hopeful. It's okay to let your heart have some fun and believe the team will be good. It's even okay to start to enjoy defensive football and efficient offense.

But we're hypochondriac fans. I get that more than anyone realizes. We're preconditioned to assume that bad is coming.

Maybe it is coming. Maybe BYU loses eight straight games and this is a terrible season. That's plenty possible.

Maybe tomorrow is the day that my headache actually is an aneurysm. That's possible too.

But I can't let that stop me from enjoying today.