Disney is doing what Disney does (presumably because they are fresh out of ideas for new movies) and making a live-action remake of the timeless classic The Little Mermaid.
You probably heard about this several months ago when casting came out and Halle Bailey was cast as Ariel. Bailey is, of course, African-American. The, ahem, Khronic Krazy Korners of the internet were up in arms because the mythical mermaid creature is SuPPoSeD To bE WhITe.
If you didn't hear about the drama at the time, be sure to thank your Maker when you say prayers tonight, because it was insane controversy over absolutely nothing at all.
Today, though, there is a new development in #LiveLittleMermaidGate and we cannot allow this to stand. According to TooFab.com (which apparently exists), there are changes to "offensive lyrics in two songs."
What are the word daggers that are being modified for public safety?
First, the lyrics to the song "Kiss The Girl" are being changed. Why? Because people don't want to even insinuate that Prince Eric would, in any way, force himself upon Ariel.
Yes, folks, the song that the talking crab sings to the bashful Prince, urging him to kiss his infatuated mermaid crush is too offensive. Because, obviously, that crab is urging Eric to become a sexual deviant and a predator.
The next song that is being modified is "Poor Unfortunate Souls" because the movie makers don't want to insinuate that young girls shouldn't speak up when they feel like they need to. In this song, of course, Ursula - the purple singing octopus lady - is trying to steal Ariel's voice so that Eric can't possibly fall in love with her.
The entire song is being sung by a manipulative octopus trying to con a girl mermaid into making a bad deal that only benefits the octopus. She's intentionally being deceitful in order to win - because she's the bad guy... er, octopus.
Imagine rewriting Die Hard and asking John McClain not to kill Hans Gruber because of murder.
Imagine rewriting The Matrix and taking away the blue pill or the red pill because of opioids.
Imagine rewriting Toy Story and taking away Woody because of his phallic name.
Change the cast and include anyone and everyone - that's a good thing! If there were actual insinuations of illicit intent, sure, modify and change those too.
But changing two of the biggest aspects of the plot to the movie? That's not the movie! It's a new movie! It's a not a live action remake of the old movie!
Full disclosure, I don't care about this movie. And candidly, I was never going to listen to either of these songs anyways. And honestly, if I did somehow watch the movie by mistake, I probably wouldn't have noticed these changes at all.
But now that I know they're happening, I am upset. Give us the songs the way that the songs are meant to be sang!